Celebrity chess

This morning I saw Paul Whitehouse jogging in Crouch End. This was a disappointment, because having seen him once before on Tottenham Court Road, he no longer counts toward the celebrity chess set I’ve been working toward since moving to London. If it had been Harry Enfield, for instance, I’d be up to ten pieces; as it stands, I remain stuck at nine.

I decided that this would be a worthwhile goal after I’d seen four celebrities; that when my total hit 24, I’d make a chess set with them as the pieces (or possibly simulacra of them; could get messy otherwise). The problem is, I’m not really very good at celebrity spotting – I tend to move in different circles to the Peaches Geldofs and Lily Allens of the world, and I also tend not to recognise the really famous ones by virtue of refusing to interact or absorb in any way, any form of popular culture. So my first bona fide celebrity, Pete Doherty, had to be pointed out to me after I walked straight past him. Same was true for number seven, ‘Minty’ from Eastenders.

Number two was Danny ‘Dave Gorman’ Wallace and number three was Will Self, followed by Paul Whitehouse at number four. Cult film critic Kim Newman was number five. I hesitated to add him as I felt he might be a bit niche and I only really recognised him because he looks like Van Helsing, but he’s definitely been on TV so I decided he counted.

Number six was Hugh Dennis, spotted at Highgate tube station. This sighting had some resonance for me as I’d grown up watching Hugh on The Mary Whitehouse Experience, The Punt and Dennis show and supporting Jasper Carrot. I didn’t know at the time that he was back in vogue thanks to Mock the Week, so when I did a double-take and he spotted me spotting him, and gave me a little grin and a nod, I felt sad more than anything, as if me recognising him had been the highlight of his day. Now I know, of course, that he’d probably been getting that all day, and he probably thought I was the sad one for having the highlight of my day be spotting him. Or maybe I’m just overthinking things. At any rate, the Hugh Dennis spotting was a pretty good one, though in all honesty I’d have happily traded him in for Newman or Baddiel.

Number seven, Minty, has already been mentioned and I have little more to add. Number eight is pretty good, being Terry Gilliam, spotted at the BFI Southbank, there to talk briefly about The Time Bandits and Brazil.

Finally, there’s number nine, Les Dennis, quite possibly the saddest, most broken-looking man I’ve seen in the whole city. I actually wanted to give him a hug, he looked so despondent, but that may have been taking things too far.

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