Involuntary Noises

The last few weeks has been a voyage of discovery for me, with the discoveries being ‘what sounds the human body involuntarily makes during times of unexpected crisis, frustration or disappointment’. Join me, if you will, as I take you through them one by one.

The sound produced when discovering that your new prescription glasses will cost you £360 (and 10 pence) is a sort of breathless ‘Hurrrugh?’

The sound produced when discovering that you’re at Blenheim Palace and everyone else is in a branch of Ask in Witney is a resigned, drawn-out ‘hhhhhhuuuhhhh’ noise.

The sound produced when your £400 monitor just dies with no warning right in the middle of a particularly tricky part of Zelda and will not come back to life no matter how often you switch it on and off again is ‘awwwwwww!’

The sound produced when you discover that the three-year warranty you took out on your £400 monitor expired approximately two weeks ago is somewhat explosive and is sadly not reproduceable in text.

The sound produced when receiving yet another bill from ntl is a sort of drawn-out ‘UurrrrrughHH’ that leads into ‘forfucksake!’

The sound produced when discovering that your stylish new John Rocha jacket still has the exploding-ink security tab on it and so if you want to wear it this weekend when visiting your parents then you’ll need to get back to Debenhams before work and get them to take the stupid thing off is ‘Wha-but-huh?’ followed by a disbelieving ‘Gaaargh!’

The sound produced when watching your one-day old £360 (and 10 pence) pair of glasses slip off your desk and quietly shatter as they hit the plastic wheel of your chair is quite simply ‘Hnk!’

More to follow, I expect.