Ahh, Ebay. We’ve spent such happy times together. Remember, years ago, when I bought a ZX Spectrum? Frantically pressing ‘refresh’ as somebody else bid against me during the closing seconds. Spent more than I’d planned, but wasn’t that always the way?

Then there was that time I was bidding on a Crystal Wonderswan. I’d been with you for a couple of years by then, so I knew how to handle you. I held off for as long as I could — which took all my willpower — before slipping quietly in during the last 7 seconds and claiming what was rightfully mine. Smooth.

Then there was that time I managed to get hold of a Michael Jackson CD — just a promo single, nothing special I thought — and put it up for just a pound, and it ended up going for nearly £50. Yeah, you knew I had a collectable there, and you helped me get the most out of it. I’d have given it away — thrown it away, even — if it hadn’t been for you.

Yeah, we’ve had some good times together. But, Ebay, lately things just haven’t been as good. I’ll accept some of the blame. It’s that “Buy it Now” feature — it made it so much easier to get what I wanted, when I wanted it. Watching the auctions, having to hold back until the last second…it just got too difficult. I needed instant gratification. I grew tired of having to compete with other people, I grew tired of losing out to someone who just had that little bit more self-control.

It’s not just me, though. You started referring to yourself as an “Online Marketplace” and set up shops and invoices and instant payment processing. Yeah…it was nice. Who wouldn’t enjoy a bit of one-click action every once in a while? But you lost something. It wasn’t exciting anymore…I was just using you like Amazon. And it wasn’t as friendly. Automated invoices replaced personal emails. It just got a bit too…efficient.

People exploit you, Ebay. They use features you’ve set up to get extra money. Ok, so I have, on occasion, bumped up my postage costs a little — who hasn’t? But these days, people expect you to pay £4 postage for a Gameboy cartridge. Come on! You can post those things for less than 30 pence! And you can make postal insurance required now? So you browse for a game, find it being sold for just a couple of pounds, and then after closer inspection you find it’s being shipped from Hong Kong, it comes unboxed with no instructions, and postage, packing and insurance come to more than the game itself. You get the game three weeks later and find it doesn’t work anyway. Sigh.

It’s become harder to find what you want. Asian imports flood the listings, promising “No exorbitant postage charges” and “UK Seller” and other such enticements, which always turn out to be untrue. People put misleading terms in their titles — “Charlotte Church CD (Mario, Pokemon, PS2, Xbox, etc.)” — and list items in the wrong category — remember that time the PS2 Consoles category contained 30 pages of mobile phone auctions?

Pyramid schemes, fraudsters, junk…Ebay, you’ve let yourself go. Sure, you’re more successful now than you’ve ever been before. But…it’s just not the same…