Paul Haine | Tales from the city

Paul Haine | Tales from the city

All articles by Paul Haine

  1. Review of Joss Whedon’s The Avengers

    I’ve enjoyed the Marvel films. They’ve been, with the exception of the plodding Iron Man 2, dependable, enjoyable popcorn flicks. The appealing presence of Robert Downey Jr. helped make an A-list character out of Iron Man, I have a soft spot for The Incredible Hulk, Captain America was a little forgettable but bolstered by a great cast and Thor, despite my initial scepticism, turned out to be my favourite of the lot. There was never anything in this line-up likely to challenge the more cerebral and serious The Dark Knight but that’s ok; Marvel comics have always had a lighter tone than DC, and it’s a testament to Marvel that they resisted the urge to Nolanify most of their properties.

  2. A cinema is a place where people use their phones

    Picture this: the adverts and trailers have finished and it’s time for another laugh-free lobotomy courtesy of Orange Mobile that hawks the phone brand at the same time as telling you to switch the cocking things off. A man in the audience, having spent the last twenty minutes furiously texting, pauses to watch the advert. He laughs, then goes back to texting as the film starts up. Because it’s funny, isn’t it? The idea of turning your phone off, that is. Who turns their phone off these days?

  3. Review of The Cabin in the Woods

    Reviewing The Cabin in the Woods seems pretty redundant, as it’s so recognisably from the Joss Whedon stable that there’s little here you won’t already have an opinion of and you probably already know if you’re going to see it or not. Enjoyed Buffy, Angel and Firefly? You’ll enjoy Cabin. Didn’t enjoy them? There’s nothing here that’s going to change your mind. Also, your opinions are wrong, and you’re grotesquely ugly.

  4. Review of Martin Scorsese’s Hugo

    Hugo, Martin Scorsese’s love letter to THE MAGIC OF CINEMA, is two things: the end result of Scorsese’s desire to make something with 3D technology, presumably before the bottom falls out of the market, and a plea for a better understanding of, and a greater respect for, early cinema. The result: a load of irritating 3D effects and a grating, preaching tone.

  5. The Robert Carlyle Effect

    Stargate Universe was mediocre, at best and at worst. It was never good enough to be eagerly or even slightly anticipated but also never bad enough to be watched ironically either. Bland characters, weak scripts and contrived situations with cheap resolutions. There were a couple of high marks, such as the time-bending episode Time and an occasional decent cliffhanger but it was never enough. What it did have, and what everyone watched the show for, was Robert Carlyle. Robert Carlyle, who once played the role of a mindless, snarling, Rage-infected monster in 28 Weeks Later and still managed to be the most personable character in the film.

  6. Review of Andrew Stanton’s John Carter

    John Carter’s closest recent parallel is probably Kenneth Branagh’s Thor, in that both films feature fantasy concepts that a contemporary, mainstream audience may find hard to swallow. Thor pulled it off by presenting its world up front and delivering it all straight-faced instead of resorting to eye-rolling irony or tortured attempts to retcon the source material. The subject matter was treated respectfully and helped to put the audience in an accepting frame of mind. John Carter fumbles this just a little. With clunky lines such as “You can’t just bow down to Zodanga!”, unmemorable character names and a marketing campaign that blinked, you’re left with a film that’s occasionally difficult to swallow. Get past that and you’re left with an enjoyable and good-looking action flick with solid performances and some great set-pieces.

  7. Review of The Muppets

    I am, and always have been, a big Muppets fan. I watched The Muppet Show as a child, I dutifully watched Muppets Tonight as a teenager, I watch The Muppet Christmas Carol every Christmas Eve and if I could find a way to be abused by Chris Langham, you’d have a hard time stopping me.

  8. Review of Josh Trank's Chronicle

    Various Hollywood lizards have spent a great deal of time trying to bring an unwanted, live-action, Americanised adaptation of Akira into production, with reactions drifting between hilarity and gnashing of teeth as project status updates flickered between ‘cancelled’ and ‘project back on, Keanu Reeves to play Kaneda’. Though Josh Trank’s first film Chronicle is not a literal adaptation of Akira, it’s so similar in tone and story that it’s safe to consider the Hollywood adaptation (last known status: cancelled) safely trumped.

  9. Breakfast at St. John Hotel, Leicester Square

    St. John Hotel is tucked away behind a building site near Leicester Square station; to reach it you have to pass scaffolding and netting as you slosh through puddles of construction gruel. Maybe once they’ve finished building Leicester Square the area will be nicer but for the moment it’s a grim, discouraging spot for breakfast.

  10. The Bull, Highgate

    My first attempt at going to The Bull didn’t go well. I’d been wandering around trying to find a pub that wasn’t packed on a Sunday afternoon and I found one; it was The Bull. It was deserted; I wasn’t even sure it was open. I cautiously approached the doors and peered in, seeing fridges filled with bottles of Becks and a couple of dead-eyed staff staring out, their blank stares seemingly willing me to come in and give their day and their lives some meaning. The place had all the charm of a branch of Foxtons, and if things are so bad that you’re looking to me to give the place some life then frankly the battle is already lost.

  11. Review of The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn

    I never read Tintin as a child as Tintin was quite obviously for the squares, for children whose parents made you take your shoes off at the door, who wouldn’t let you watch Your Mother Wouldn’t Like It and who owned a BBC Micro. I read Asterix instead. I was pretty uncool, but at least I knew it and was making an effort to improve myself.

  12. The Nintendo e-reader

    The Nintendo e-reader isn’t what you think it is; it isn’t a device for reading e-books. The truth is, I’ve just lured you here to read an article about an obscure peripheral for the Game Boy Advance by implying that Nintendo made a Kindle-style e-reader. E-readers are hot right now, aren’t they? It’s all Kindle-this and iBooks-that. I bet a Nintendo one would be lovely, all white and curvy like that Wii U tablet controller.

  13. Review of Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows

    Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows isn’t much of a Sherlock Holmes film, but it’s an attractive action flick unhindered by 3D gimmickry nonetheless. Robert Downey Jr. continues doing that thing that Robert Downey Jr. does, and he does it well; I don’t know of anyone who does Robert Downey Jr. better than Robert Downey Jr.

  14. Review of Guy Moshe's Bunraku

    When did Woody Harrelson become one of those actors that adds instant gravitas to any scene they’re in? As he gets older and craggier he seems to have solidified into this wall of character, with every line he reads sounding more meaningful than it has any right to. In Bunraku he happily takes on the “philosophical barman” trope, the linchpin in a film with so many stylistic influences that it’s a wonder everything holds together.

  15. Trailer for Guy Moshe's Bunraku

    Guy Moshe’s Bunraku. Ignore the low ratings you may have seen elsewhere, this turned out to be one of my favourite film’s of 2011.

  16. Review of Pan Am

    I have to be careful criticising Pan Am because the last time I watched something ironically it was Spartacus, and that grew into something very special; what appeared at first to be a po-faced, poor-man’s 300 ended up with drama, pathos and Lucy Lawless having sex with other ladies.

  17. Late night gaming

    Just as I have a specific type of game to play on a quiet, lazy Sunday morning, there are also games which I never feel right playing unless it’s late at night.

  18. Why I won't subscribe to your newspaper's iPad app

    My newspaper of choice, being a discerning liberal gentleman and having had my appreciation of the Guardian burned out of me after four years of working there, is the International Herald Tribune, i.e., The New York Times for people who wish they were reading The New York Times.

  19. The Victoria, Highgate

    The Victoria in Highgate is a nice little gastropub that probably goes overlooked as it’s up the north end of the village, past plenty of other notable pubs such as The Red Lion and Sun, and The Bull. It can lack atmosphere during the week but is worth checking out for the food.

  20. Review of Tomas Alfredson's Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

    Tomas Alfredson’s slow-burning, balletic adaptation of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy is rich in atmosphere, dripping with character and repressed emotion.

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