Crosscut

Ian Edhouse, 7 May, 2006

Joeblade this week is brought to you by Ian Edhouse

I, the author of this article, am a guest contributor to Joeblade. You, the reader, will likely have assumed that I am male, and you will have been correct. This, my small contribution to history, kindly facilitated by Paul, is an article primarily about a thing called Crosscut.

Crosscut was a very minor character in a very obscure story from the Transformers Comic; a promotional tool comprising the fictional escapades of character designs based on products from the Hasbro toy range of the same name. It will be important to remember this, when things get serious, later.

Regular readers of the Internet will, in all probability, be unsurprised to learn that a pair of humans — male, of course — have created a thing called The Obscure Transformers Website. It was on the pages of this site that I first read the tragic and moving story of the item of intellectual property I want to discuss.

First Appearance: Page Three of Issue 18 of the US Comic

Now, I should say, at this point, that I’m a die-hard fan of the Transformers comics. The all-too-recognisably human dramas created for the Autobots and Decepticons by the TF Comic staff, over the years, raised the status of their work from elegant marketing tool to that of true art, if you ask me. Sure, having a profound understanding of the trauma of rebirth suffered by Optimus Prime when he is recreated as a Powermaster lacks the social cache of, say, quoting Shakespeare, or the football scores, for that matter, but I’ve never been one to conform to social expectations. Crosscut, and the story of his death, would change all that.

As with many merchandise-driven serials, the TF Comic staff was obliged to write captivating and wallet-emptying stories filled with drama and excitement, all the while ensuring that no harm came to characters representing marketable products. In order to circumvent these restrictions, the TF Comic staff would often employ so-called ‘hi-then-die’ characters, to suffer in place of the main characters and, often, to die for them. Crosscut, here remembered, was one of those brave soldiers that died so that more marketable products might live. His eulogy, as delivered by The Obscure Transformers Website, is abridged here:

“Crosscut wasn’t really much of a character. He was basically a plot device used to show that the Space Bridge didn’t work. He had no dialogue, and he looked stupid. However, he had one thing many characters that just show up and die don’t have. He had a name.

“Crosscut was sent to cross the Space Bridge, to see if it would actually work. It didn’t. A faulty fuel line caused a disruption in the teleportation arch and anything that tried to pass through it was blown to atoms. Crosscut gave his life demonstrating this. When he crossed the arch he materialised on earth for a second or two then blew up.

“Crosscut was without a doubt one of the most unlucky characters ever to be introduced into the world of Transformers. His first appearance was on page three of issue 18 of the US comic. His LAST appearance was on page 3 of issue 18 of the US comic”.

Last Appearance: Page Three of Issue 18 of the US Comic

When I first stumbled across the story, I was pretty dismissive of Crosscut, but on reading the words of his eulogy, each line dripping with the heaviest pathos, I couldn’t help but be reminded of my own mortality –– such was the cruelty of Crosscut’s tale, and the power of its telling. Crosscut lived and died with no control over the forces that directed his life, a mere puppet in the hands of others. Ordered by his commanding officer to test the untried Space Bridge, his safety was barely considered. Progress, and the march of history was all, and while the site calls Crosscut ‘unlucky’, it is clear that forces beyond his comprehension conspired to destroy him, on that fateful day. Not for him the immunity conferred on his peers by their marketability, or the status held by his superiors; he was fodder, and nothing more.

Quote: None, unless you include the “Skraak” noise as he explodes.

Now, I’m not saying I’m Crosscut. I don’t know how my life’s going to turn out. I don’t know what the world has planned for me. I can’t see the strings, I can’t predict the future, and I don’t know if I’ll be sent to test any Space Bridges, any time soon. However, I’m smart enough to realise I have very little control over my life. I work a temp job, I live in a rented flat, I’ve got loans and credit card debt up to my eyeballs, no pension, no insurance, no savings — I’ve not got much to barter with, in this marketplace we call a society. Christ, if I went skraak today, my relatives would barely have time to bury me on their way to debtor’s prison.

Crosscut, stupid-looking and unlucky as he is, made me realise something: there’s no such thing as fair, history is unforgiving and, if you should find you were born in a marketplace, you’d best make sure you’re worth more alive than dead.

Which as a quote ain’t pretty, but it’s better by far than ‘skraak’.