Breaking News

We’re just receiving reports of an incident on a farm in Sussex, where a number of people have been arrested in connection with annoying the nation. It is believed that the owner of the farm, a Mr Hibbert, has been co-operating with police and government officials, in a plot codenamed “Operation Fewer Pricks”, and kindly granted permission for the use of a 17th century tithe barn as a temporary holding place for those arrested.

Although not confirmed, we are led to understand that those already charged include:

  • people writing letters to newspapers about ‘Political Correctness Gone Mad’
  • a white, middle-class man buying a Kanye West CD in the belief this made him somehow ‘urban’
  • a thirty year-old woman on another fad diet reading Heat magazine while eating chocolate and giggling at celebrity gossip
  • a young man wearing a white baseball cap pushing his friend in front of oncoming pedestrians for comic effect
  • also being held is a whole wall full of teenagers playing through every polyphonic ringtone on their phones
  • an elderly couple who paused at the top of an escalator trying to decide where to go next while everyone behind piled into them
  • a group of people who walked slowly on the pavement and started zig-zagging when anybody tried to overtake them
  • a young French woman who refuses to move so much as an inch to let anybody pass and then looks affronted when someone bumps into their shopping
  • Pete Doherty
  • a bus driver who complained about someone paying with a £20 note and how they didn’t have change for a twenty. A bit of advice — include in the change the £10 and £5 note you’ve already complained about receiving and then you only have to provide change for the remainder.
  • a cashier in Sainsbury’s who had a conversation with the cashier behind her while someone was standing in front of them waving a debit card under their nose
  • a man who insists he can eat as much as he likes without putting on weight and seems to want a medal
  • a man from Abingdon who used the word ‘guestimate’
  • a middle-aged, middle-manager wearing a fat silver tie and a pink shirt buttoned-up to his neck
  • a group of cinemagoers applauding the end of a film
  • an English teacher who laughed at every joke in every Shakespeare play because she knew where they are
  • and a journalist writing an article on how ‘Political Correctness Has Gone Mad’

We’ll bring you more details, as they emerge.

Original Breaking News lyrics here

By Paul Haine, in